whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I faked an abortion last night.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
