Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
