just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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