birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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