the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
