What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
