He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
