with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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