Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
