Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
