you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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