she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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