I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
