i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
