This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
