I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
