she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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