I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Every concussion has its silver lining
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
