she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
