Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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