yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
