My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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