i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
