I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
