Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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