i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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