She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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