You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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