Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
