even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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