dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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