I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
