just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.