Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You smell like stripper and shame
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"