Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes