This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
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He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
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While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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