So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
