shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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