do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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