RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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