Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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