A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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