I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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