i think my mom watched the whole time
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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