My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
