Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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