apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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