Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
