I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
