You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
