Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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