I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
