I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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