If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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