@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
