you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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