My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
