I wish my penis had an off switch
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
